Turning Over a New Leaf

It's no secret. I love Bruce Springsteen's music. In my attempt to lose weight (more on that later), I have been taking Banjo for long, long walks in the park. Today, I brought my ipod and fell in love again with the song "All That Heaven Will Allow." This song just personified my life today. Now, before you think that I think I am "all that heaven will allow," the line that really catches me is:

"Rain and storm and dark skies
Well now they don't mean a thing
If you got a girl that loves you
And who wants to wear your ring
So c'mon mister trouble
We'll make it through you somehow
We'll fill this house with all the love
All that heaven will allow"

The part about the dollar in his pocket rings pretty true too, but, I digress. Today is beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky and warm, but not scorching hot like it has been, simply a wonderful day to be outside. I've had a lot of chaos going on in my life and it is easy to get overwhelmed and frustrated.

First and foremost, the whole job thing. How can I put this? I don't like working in an office...or for money making purposes...or sitting for extended periods...or well the characteristics of most jobs. I actually was doing really well with an interview as an assistant supervisor at a well-known book seller distribution center. Half way through the interview with the director of the department, I was like, "I just can't do this." The company was wonderful, the people I met were simply lovely, the atmosphere was friendly and if I thought I could work in an office, I would want it be exactly like that one.

It felt like someone else was talking, but I couldn't stop myself. The director, bless him, was wonderful about it and understood exactly what I was talking about. He went so far to say he had taken a job when he was soon to be married that he wasn't passionate about and was miserable. I don't regret anything that happened. One, I got the experience of a formal interview (unlike my previous job where the Chairman brought me to a picnic table it the woods and offered the job to me...in retrospect, that was very creepy). Two, I wasn't terrified of speaking my mind to a "superior," in fact, I felt like the director respected me for making the decision then and there and being upfront about it. Three, I suggested someone else for the job who was much better suited for it than I was. Four, the director's story touched me because it was almost a "what could have been" for me.

I love my boyfriend. Someday, we are going to get married and we are going to have a bitty little house and we are going to fill it with all the love that heaven will allow. When I was sitting in the company's lobby, I had been thinking about that job and how I needed a job to save money so we could work towards getting married. When the director and I got to talking about Mary's Historical Programs, he became much more personable and asked why the big change from what I had been doing to Assistant Supervisor to the Customer Service Center. Then he asked, "Is that what you are passionate about?"

And my facade began crumbling then and there. While I can't imagine being passionate about supervising the customer service center, I'm sure someone out there could be. Frankly, taking the position was walking away from what I was passionate about. Here's the thing. I am passionate about history. I am passionate about teaching others about history, about touching it, seeing it, writing about it, visiting it, loving it, and getting others to love it. Being prevented from doing that crushed me at my previous job. As all this ran through my head, I felt like my conscience was bonking me on the head with a cartoon sledge hammer.

Taking any job to make money is ridiculous. Now, I need money for student loans and car payments and all that fun stuff, but staying with a job you hate will consume you. I have the opportunity to take my business to the next level. No office, no boss, no dread of going to work in the morning. I have this blog which I started to spread the word about history and my business and reenacting. I might need to pick up a part time job, or collect unemployment, or sell some of my worldly goods to make ends meet, but you know what? It's worth it to be happy.

I believe everyone on this planet has a purpose. I'm not going to get all preachy and say my purpose is to teach history or whatever, but I sure as heck am going to say my purpose is not to be a miserable working drone doing something I hate to make money.

Not to be hokey, but that's where those lyrics came in. Okay, so I need money, but I'm okay and working at what I love, as long as I work hard, everything will be okay. And if I'm unable to spend money like I want to, a few less dinners out, library instead of movie theaters...who cares? "Rain and storm and dark skies? Well  now they don't mean a thing, if you got a girl that loves you and who wants to wear your ring" That goes both ways, I've got a man who loves me and wants me to wear his ring. So, "c'mon mister trouble, we'll make it through you somehow, we'll fill this house with all the love, all that heaven will allow."